You Could Be Happy
by ilive4thursdays
Summary: This story takes place after episode 4.11 of Grey's Anatomy. MerDer. A set of one shots. How will they fix their mess?
1. Chapter 1

I finished this story awhile ago, so I thought I would post it for you all. This is a series of one shots. It's not going to be an extremely long fic.. and rememeber I have the whole story done.. so I guess the more comments I get the sooner I'll post more.. This story picks up right after episode 4.11 of Grey's Anatomy.. which if you rememeber was the last episode that aired before the strike.

_I can't do this anymore.. Well neither can I._

Now although Shonda did fix her mess, I fixed it.. a different way..

Hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think! Oh and this story is based on the title which is the song by Snow Patrol, "You Could Be Happy."

Maddie

**Disclaimer: 44 days. That's it and then Season 5 starts! I'm a little angry I don't own it because then I would know what the heck Rose is doing still on set!!**

PART ONE

Cristina had a long day. Not extremely exhausting- just long. She had been in a surgery for hours and for the first time was not tired. This was because she hadn't had operated. Instead she had held Tuck's little hand in hers while Haun operated. Shoot. What would Haun think of her now? That she was weak and too emmotional like Izzie?

These were the thoughts floating around in her head as she got off her bike, unlocked the door and started up the stairs of Meredith's house to sleep in her normal spot.

Derek hadn't been there in awhile so she had gotten used to sleeping over at Meredith's. It was hard to admit it, but she liked it. Ever since the Burke thing she had liked to just be with people even if it was with George, Izzie, Alex, and now Lexie.  
But now that Meredith and Derek had seemed to patch things up Cristina was thinking about going back to her apartment with Callie. She wasn't too bad. In fact she was actually a lot like her. Cristina kicked off her shoes before coming to Meredith's bedroom door when she heard crying..

"Meredith?"

Meredith quickly grabbed the box of tissues trying her hardest to stop her sobs. "Oh hey sorry I didn't hear you get in." She got off the bed and headed towards the bathroom.

"Um.. what's going on?"

"Na- Nothing." she stuttered.

"Yeah okay you're just sitting here having a good laugh and that's why tears are streaming down your face?" she said coldly.

"God do you have to be "coldhearted Cirstina" today? Cant you just be a friend?"

Cristina took a deep breath. She didn't like talking to Meredith about her problems.. that were mostly involving Derek. Cristina never told Meredith but she had never trusted Derek again after what he did to her. And it bothered her that Meredith just took him back again and again.

"Alright what happened?" she said sitting down on the bed.

"He chose someone else." Meredith stated simply.

"What do you mean? Addison's gone.." Cristina questioned.

"No. Rose. I guess there's this nurse and apparently they kissed." she said sadly.

Wait. This didn't make sense. Cristina remembered Derek being heartbroken over Meredith. Him telling her she didn't need him and how he didn't know what to do.

"But I thought you told him you didn't want him seeing other people?"

"I DID!" she yelled back starting to cry again.

"When did he kiss her?"

"Sometime yesterday. Probably before I told him."

Cristina tried to process this. "So you are mad that he kissed her?"

"Yes- No." she hesitated, "I'm not mad he kissed her- we weren't together. Cristina- he didn't tell me."

A shocked Cristina shot her head back up at Meredith. Her voice more toned and angry. "What do you mean he didn't tell you?!"

"Just what I said," she said shaking her head, "he didn't tell me, I found out. George heard him talking to her about the kiss. God I hate him but I love him. He's Derek he's-"

"No." Cristina said more agitated. "No. He had no right. He didn't tell you about Addison, he should have learned his lesson! No Meredith don't let him get away with this- not again.."

"What the hell are you talking about again?"

"He told you he chose Addison and you were all mopey. Do you remember that Meredith- how sad you were? How Izzie and I had to drag you around like a lost puppy through the hospital?"

_"Mer, have you gone mental?"  
"I have not gone mental!"_

"Well yeah but what does that have to do with-"

"And then one day you and him are friends like nothing happened? You started calling him McDreamy again because he wormed his way back into your heart. You never forgave him Meredith! You just became his friend and then the prom happened and then you guys got back together but you NEVER FORGAVE HIM!" she yelled.

"I know." she said shyly, hating to remembering those days..

"Well did you tell him?"

"I told him," she gulped, "I told him I was in love with him but he was married. And then he said that he didn't want to have that conversation again and then I told him he didn't tell me about his nurse and that I cant trust him."

"That ass! You guys never had that conversation did you?"

"Well.." she said thinking back..

_"What I wanted to say was.. but now all I can say is, I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you forever. And I know I'm a little late in saying it. You have a choice to make. So I want you to take your time.. take all the time you need. Because when I had a choice, I chose wrong."_

"All he really told me was he chose wrong."

"So you guys never talked about that night when Addie showed up? He never told you when he was going to tell you about her?" Cristina said taping her foot lightly.

"No.. he didn't." she said in disbelief. "Oh god why didn't we talk about it?"

"You've never gotten over it have you?" Cristina asked.

"Derek.. he told me that no matter what he does I'll never trust him.. that I can't trust anybody." Meredith said starting to cry again.

"Well, can he blame you?" Cristina now was yelling.. yelling really loud. "What about your father? What about him leaving you? God doesn't Derek realize why you couldn't let Lexie in right away?"

Meredith was about to speak when Cristina started up again..

"And your mother. She woke up Mer! You died! Thank god you didn't really, but you drowned! Your father came back and you tried to trust him again and be part of his and Susan's family and then he slapped you! And blamed you for her death.. not letting you go to the funeral! And he left AGAIN! How does Derek seriously not understand why you're having trouble of trusting him! Mer do you realize it was pretty much a year ago that Derek's wife showed up."

"Yeah- you think I don't realize all of this? Of course I do! And I've been trying to get over it! And he said he'd wait for me! He said he'd always be there. And I told him- I told him I wanted us to try the couple thing again.. I didn't say I wanted to get married or have kids or have that freaking perfect house!"

"What house?"

"Oh yeah I didn't tell you. Apparently he is already going to build our house."

"That jackass." Crsitina said under her breath.

"So what do I do?"

"Mer I know you love him, but I can't do this.. I can't do this anymore. The back and the forth.. I have to keep putting you back together because of HIM and I can't do it. I just can't.." she said breathlessly.

Meredith started to cry again.

"Mer.. I'm sorry I'm just being honest-"

"No it's not that.."

_"I can't do this anymore; the back and the forth; are we together or are we not?"_

"He said he couldn't do it anymore; the back and the forth and maybe.. maybe he was right."

Cristina was now in the middle of brushing her teeth as she yelled back, "Meredith as pissed off as I am, you guys need to talk. You just need to. Because the back and the forth thing- it's killing me too- not as much as it's probably killing you and Derek but seriously this is getting out of control!"

Just then the door bell rang loudly.

"I'll get it." Mer said softly.

She made her way down the stairs and looked through the window and saw him. She opened the door slowly to see his sad and pathetic face. "Hi."

"Hi." she said coldly.

"We need to talk. Can I come in?"

"Yeah we defidently need to talk." She said, as she let him in quickly. She needed to get this over with. Now she was ready and knew exactly what she'd say to him..

--

**Anyone want more?**


	2. Chapter 2

Okay.. all of my readers ROCK! 11 comments? Seriously? I owe you all a hug.. but I figured another update would suffice. This update.. it might sort of require a box of tissues.. because well.. it's sad. This is kind of a heart breaking update. But I found it completely necessary. They needed to have this talk.. and all I have to say is, if Shonda ever were to write a scene like this for Meredith and Derek I think Emmys would have been headed Ellen and Patrick's way..

Furthermore.. read/love/cry... and comment? Let me know what you think.. This update took a lot of work to write and edit so comments would make my day! Thanks guys!

Maddie

**IMPORTANT NOTE**: Italics are flashbacks. Bolded are song lyrics to "You Could Be Happy" by Snow Patrol. I highly recommend listening to it while reading this update. You can listen to it on youtube!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy and this update proves it because in this update Meredith and Derek have a talk. A real heartbreaking talk.. something that has yet to happen on Grey's. Therefore, I do not own it. (43 days people!)**

--

PART TWO

_This was stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Complete stupidity. He was out. He was out at a smelly diner with a women. A nice, pretty, possibly gorgeous women but this was stupid. Because as the young lady talked he simply couldn't listen because this was stupid._

_Why had he asked her out? Good one Derek, ask the hot nurse out after you break up with the love of your life. I'm stupid. Im completely stupid._

_"...and then I said well there has to be an easier way.. Derek, Derek are you okay?"_

_He suddenly woke up from his day dreaming. "Oh yeah sorry, just.. no yeah I'm okay." Great now I'm rambling. _

_Suddenly Derek's pager went off. He looked down at it.  
**SWITCH BATTERY.  
**He thought about one of two possibilities.  
1. He could ignore it and change it later.  
2. Or he could pretend it was a real page and leave._

_"Sorry Rose I gotta go. There's a patient I believe I still have to check on."_

_"Ok." she sighed."Maybe you could come back after?" she said smiling. _

_"Ok. Yeah I'll try.."_

_It was now 7:30 as Derek walked out to the parking lot to get in his car. He jumped in. He didnt need to go to the hospital. Instead he went to the first place he could instantly think of.._

--

Derek was leaning.. he was leaning.. doing his Derek thing.. again. He was leaning on the door by the kitchen as Meredith did the dishes.

"So are we going to talk about this?" he asked.

She stared at him, remembering everything Cristina had reminded her of. Yeah they were going to talk.. a long talk.. probably a fight that involved yelling and screaming and crying.. but she had to get through this. She had to get over Derek Shepherd and move on. Because like he said he couldn't do it anymore. And well, neither could she.

"Sit down." she said sternly.

"What?"

"You are leaning. I dont like it. So sit. Sit down!" she yelled pointing at the seat across the table.

She then continued washing the dishes slowly and turned around. She didn't want to look at him. Because if she did he'd do that stupid McDreamy grin and she couldn't deal with _that_ anymore. She couldn't remember how much happiness he had brought into her life. How madly in love she fell for him...

She finally decided to be brave after a few seconds. She put the bowl down and turned around and looked at him as she placed both her elbows on the countertop.

"I dont even know what to say." she said sadly.

Derek sat there thinking the same thing.

"You said you'd wait for me." she stated simply.

_I want to marry you.  
I want to have kids with you.  
I want to build us a house and grow old with you.  
I want to die when I'm 110 years old in your arms.  
I dont want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime._

"I know I did," he said, "but then it got to the point where I felt like you'd never be ready."

_I'm not ready now but I'll get ready. I'll get ready.  
I'll wait. I'll wait until you're ready._

"I said I'd try. Didn't you hear me I said I'd get ready.. and then you kissed her."

"But didn't you hear what I said? I said I'd wait but if someone else came into the picture.. that I didn't know what I'd do."

_Yeah but what happens if while I'm waiting, I meet someone who is ready to give me what I want from you?  
What if you do?  
I don't know._

Silence. Meredith and Derek stayed there in silence for a few seconds.

"What did you mean?"

"What?" she questioned.

**You could be happy and I won't know**

"..when you said you _were_ in love with me but I was married. What did you mean?" he asked sadly.

_I was in love with you. You didn't tell me you were married.. You didn't tell me about your nurse.. You want to know why I'm not ready to build a house with you, this is why because I cannot trust you!_

Meredith sighed.

"Do you not love me anymore?" he said looking up at her.

**But you weren't happy the day I watched you go**

_From now on, you can expect, I'm going to show up.. I'll always show up._

"No Derek, I do love you, I just.. when I met you, I had fallen.. extremely fallen in love with you. I thought you wouldn't leave me, that you'd always be there. I trusted you, and then one day your wife showed up!"she said, "and then I had to watch for months you and her all happy and trying and crap and I just completely lost faith in you."

_That's it. That's all you get to know for now. The rest you're just going to have to rely on faith._

"..and you never got over it." he said bluntly.

"I guess, no I didn't. It sort of changed everything. How I felt about you. I didn't think I could ever let you back in. And then Finn came and he was nice and sweet but I knew I'd never get over you.-"

"Me too Mer. I knew the whole time with Addie, I knew it was stupid. And look I just was out with Rose and I felt nothing because I couldn't stop thinking about yo-"

"Wait," she said stepping back, "you and the nurse went out?"

Crap. "Yeah but it was just-"

**And all the things that I wished I had not said**

Stupid Meredith. He doesn't change. He doesn't want you he just wants _someone_. "So you break up with me and run to her just like that? Just like that after you break up with me, the supposed, 'love of your life'?"

"Mer I was just confused. I didnt know what you wanted anymore."

**Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head**

"No Derek. That's no excuse. How do you do that? Run from me to her. Someone you barely know. You just want someone Derek.. you never wanted me."

_You dont want me. You want someone. Someone who wants the same things you want._

"No that's not true. I wanted it all with you and only you. I still only want it with you. The house.. the kids.. I want it all with you." he replied honestly.

_This is the happily ever after part. I am your knight in shining armor._

"Sometimes there's not a 'happily ever after part' Derek! What about what I want?"

"You dont want that with me?"

**Is it too late to remind you how we were**

"I did, I did want it!" she yelled, tears beginning to fall, "But I just can't do this anymore. And the house Derek? Seriously?"

"Seriously what? I wanted to take the next step with you."

**But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur**

"Do you remember what I told you?"

_I don't want you to date other people. It may not be enough for you but I dont want you dating anybody but me.. except, I'm scared as hell to want you. But here I am, wanting you anyway. And fear means I have something to lose right? And I don't want to lose you._

"I said I wanted us to date again. Not get married, have kids or get a house already! And you know what's sad Derek? I would've been ready, but you couldn't have waited a couple weeks to bring the house up. You had to do it the next day?" she cried softly.

**Most of what I remember makes me sure**

He hadn't thought of it like that. He figured she'd want it all. That the house would make her happy. "I just thought.. you'd want it. And when you didn't it felt like we really weren't together."

"And why wouldn't you tell me you kissed her?" she began to argue again, "You should have told me!"

"We weren't together!" he yelled getting up from his seat, "I kissed her before all those things you said."

"I don't care about the kiss! I care that you didn't tell me! You should have told me! I would've told you!"

**I should have stopped you from walking out the door**

"Woah woah, you didn't tell me about Finn!" he stammered, trying to argue back.

"That was completely different! You were married.. we weren't getting back together and I didn't do anything with him. I didn't have sex with him.. I never had sex with him! I know you saw me walking down from his stairs but I took a shower there because I helped him birth a horse."

"Alright this isn't even about Finn," he said moving towards her, "this is about us. Are you ever going to be ready for you and me?"

"Derek why the hell is it always my fault? I said I needed time. I gave you time to choose between me and Addison. You gave me time to choose between you and Finn and you walked away. Then I told you I broke up with Finn and you walked away saying you needed time so I gave it to you. Now I need time and you can't wait? You just need to move on?"

"Wait.. needing time.. walking away.." he rambled, "you walked away from me.. The ferry boat, your dad slapping you, the wedding.. you left me Mer."

**You could be happy, I hope you are**

"I was embarrassed when my dad slapped me! The ferry boat thing.. I swam but I gave up. Derek I was happy! I was getting over everything from our past and then my mother just woke up and reversed all of my improvements..

_What happened to you?  
Your happy? Your happy now?  
The meredith I knew, was focused.. a fighter.. You've gone soft!  
Stammering about a boyfriend and saying you're waiting to be inspired! Are you kidding me?  
...Anyone can fall in love and be blindly happy but not everyone can pick up a scalpal and save a life! I raised you to be an extraodinary human being, so imagine my disappointment when I wake up after 5 years and discover you're no more then ordinary!  
What happened to you?_

"I just thought maybe I wouldn't be enough for you."

"Mer you were always enough for me." he said smiling, his eyes watering.

**You made me happier than I'd been by far**

"And then at the wedding.."

_If you're not in this, if you don't see a future for us.. then please just end it. Because I can't.. I'm in it. Put me out of my misery_.

"...you told me to put you out of your misery." she said as she cried. Derek leaned into hug her but she pushed him away. "No and I tried to end it, but you just had to do the stupid break up kiss and sex thing when we should have ended it." she sighed.

"No Mer.." he said softly. "I want you. I chose you. I pick you and I love you! I gave up chief for you. You are my dream now."

**Somehow everything I own smells of you**

"You turned down chief for me?" she said with anger trying to hide her happiness. She never thought he'd do that for her. "You shouldn't have done that. That's your job and you'll get it back. Derek I can't.. I can't do it anymore, it's over. For real this time."

"No! No Mer, it's not over." he said firmly. "We were suppose to be together!"

**And for the tiniest moment it's all not true**

"Exactly. We were. But not anymore."

"Im not giving up." he said quickly. "So you can pretend to end it but I'm not leaving you. I love you and I want a future with you.

**Do the things that you always wanted to**

Suddenly thoughts came to Meredith's head. And the words that flew out of her mouth next, she hadn't expected to say. In fact it was all a lie but she had to end it. Because this, this was misery. Standing there yelling at him. At this point she was putting herself out of misery.

"Derek.. I'm going to make this easy for you.." she said as she felt more tears spring into her eyes.." I don't want to get married. I don't want to have kids," something in her voice cracked as she tried to continue on.. "I don't want the house, or the dog or the freaking white picket fence, I don't want any of it."

Derek's expression changed from hurt to panic.. She was really giving up. "No Meredith you don't mean that, I know you and you don't mean it! You want it, I know you do!" he cried.

But Meredith continued ignoring his comments.. "So you should be with someone who wants it.. who wants it all. Someone like Rose." She headed to her front door and opened it for him. "Please go."

**Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do**

"Meredith please.."

"No Derek leave," she said now sobbing. This sucked. She just wanted him to be happy and she couldn't make him happy. Without her _he could be happy._

Derek walked out of her house as a few tears dripped down his face. He got in his car and drove away. They were over and maybe _she could finally be happy._

**More than anything I want to see you, girl**

Meredith shut the door and walked into the living room sitting on the couch. Cristina walked down the stairs, having heard all of the conversation. She saw Meredith sitting there blankly looking at the coffee table, looking broken.

"I'm fine." Meredith said sadly, now her voice breaking. "I'm fine." she said trying to convince herself, as the tears continued to flow down her cheeks. "Damn it.."

"Oh Mer." Cristina said making her way to the couch.

Meredith looked up at her, tears dripping down her face. "I'm free."

**Take a glorious bite out of the whole world.**

**--**

**--**

Wow. Writing that was painfully hard because of how sad it was. So it looks like this story is going to be about 8 chapters long.. leave some comments and I'll update ASAP!


	3. Chapter 3

I have the best readers in the world.. your comments were wonderful and I love reading each and every one of them. So here's another update! Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: I just watched episode 4.11, Lay Your Hands on Me, and I realized there's no way I own Grey's Anatomy.. for two reasons: I would never write that depressing of an episode, and I would never have Derek run to a nurse right after breaking up with Meredith! Sheesh! So yeah.. I totally don't own it.**

**--**

PART THREE

Derek Shepherd had never been a complicated man. In fact he'd always been easy going. But ever since the day he met Meredith Grey his life changed forever. He realized how easily he could screw this up.

Most girls would fawn over him. Because he was a brain surgeon. Apparently that was a big turn on. Oh, and the hair. The girls loved the hair. So he never actually had to try.. girls just wanted him.

It had been really simple with Addison. She was simple. Their marriage was simple. She was.. safe. But it had reached the point where it was too simple.. to safe.. and he had become bored.

But when Derek had met Meredith, he knew it would be anything but boring. Instead of her being dazzled by him, it was she who took his breath away. He had to work to get her to go out with him. She kept it perfessional while at work together. And now, she wasn't "dying", so to speak, to marry him.

Maybe that's what had freaked him out. Did she not want to marry him?

_I thought'd I'd met the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with._

He remembered her telling him this in the stairwell. So if that had been true, why the heck was she in the complete opposite direction now? Her mom wasn't around to put her down, Addie had left, Finn was gone.. so what was standing in their way?

His wife had showed up. He lied to her not once but twice. He also said he'd choose her, but then chose Addie. He called her a whore. He walked away. He ignored her phone calls. Told her flirting with a random women was the highlight of his week. Wanted to be put out of his misery. Found out the mistery women he had flirted with was Mer's sister. Said he'd wait for her to be ready but instead kissed a damn nurse and never told her.

What was wrong with him? He had completely screwed this up.

Now he sat across from Rose as he pretended to listen thinking incesently about the conversation he had just had with Meredith and how she had told him to go back to Rose.

_Finns the better guy Meredith, he's the better guy._

Why had she done that? Better yet why was he here? He didn't love Rose. He knew they could never be more then friends. The kiss hadn't been great. Nothing like it was with him and Meredith. He thought hard to think what in the world attracted him to this women and why he had so quickly flung himself at her.

"Derek? Derek are you okay?"

"Oh yeah, I'm sorry. I'm fine."

"Okay." Rose said slowly knowing something was wrong.

Derek thought slowly until he remembered. "Rose, can I ask you a question?"

"Yes, of course." she smiled.

"You said you were engaged correct?"

"Yeah.."

"It ended a year ago?" he asked.

"Derek yeah.. what is it?"

"It's just, do you mind me asking what happened? I mean I know you said you knew what you wanted and he didn't but I'm just curious.."

"Well, I mean yeah I knew what I wanted.. I wanted to get married and be happy." she said slowly. "But.. he just wasn't ready.."

"..because he didn't want it?" he asked quickly.

"Well, no I mean I think he wanted it. No, I know he did. We were, well we were a couple." she smiled sadly. "But he was having a tough time with his family. His father died and his brothers wife left and well he just didnt know how to be happy. He was afraid I guess. And I tried Derek," she said starting to sound more sad..

"I tried.. I tried really hard.. but I was weak. I was weak because If I truly loved him, If I had loved him enough, I would have been there. I wouldn't have called it off. I would have stayed and fought for us. But I was weak and I don't think I was in love with him." she said softly.

_If love were enough.. If love were enough she'd still be here with you._

Derek sat there unsure of what to say.

"Is that why this is so hard?" Rose asked sadly as she looked down at him.

He sighed slowly, "Why what is so hard?"

"You still being in love with Meredith?" she asked diligently.

Derek blushed and started stirring his drink around aimlessly, "How did you ah.. I mean what are you-"

"Derek, a woman can tell when a man is thinking of another women. You still love her don't you?"

He paused for a few moments but then reluctantly and defeated answered, "Yes."

"Mm hmm." she smiled. She reached for his hand, "Derek it's okay. You love her."

"She's the one." he said as he looked up at her. "And sometimes I wish she wasn't." he laughed while slightly smiling.

_You shouldn't do that Finn.  
Oh I dont mind..  
No I mean you shouldn't do that.  
So it's Derek?  
I'm sorry.  
Can I ask, why?  
You're a great guy Finn. A wonderful, wonderful guy. And you may even be the better guy..  
But he's the one.  
And I wish he wasn't.._

"I'm sorry I got you into all of this mess Rose."

"It's okay. I'm glad I could help." she laughed lightly as she stood up from the booth. "She grabbed his arm and squeezed slightly. "I wish you the best Derek and I'll see you around."

She then proceeded to walk out the doorway to her car. Derek smiled slightly, drifting him back to his thoughts..

--

Meanwhile, Meredith was on her way to the hospital. She had some very important business to talk to Cheif Webber about..

--

**OH boy, sorry! I left you guys on a little cliff! hehe.. (insert evil face)**

**Okay but seriously.. here's the deal.. I'm leaving tomorrow night for a retreat.. so therefore I will be gone all weekend.. but..**

**..if I get a good amount of comments I'll make sure to update for you all sometime tomorrow (8/15/08).. and maybe you all can even persuade me to give you a double update!**

**(Big smile) Maddie**


	4. Chapter 4

I'm going out to lunch with a friend before I begin packing... so I think it calls for an update.

Plus I hate leaving you guys hanging when I'm getting the nicest comments! Sadly, this may be the last update until Sunday or Monday, when I get home. It would be nice to come home with a load of comments from people, so please tell me what you think!

Thanks guys, have a nice weekend. Watch the olympics.. I won't be able to ):

Maddie

**Disclaimer: Have you guys ever noticed people debate whether Derek's 'dream' is Meredith or being Chief? Well, with my story there's not even a question about it. Maybe if they did something like this on the show, people would stop wondering, and start realizing. Therefore I do not own Grey's Anatomy.**

--

PART 4

The next morning Meredith woke up in a dark on call room alone. She then realized she must have fallen asleep here last night because it was now about 6 am. Luckily, her shift didn't start till 8.

"Mer?" came Izzies voice as she opened the door. She brought a glass of water in with her and gave it to her.

"Hey. Thanks for last night. I don't really know what got into me."

"Well you pretty much had a panic attack." Izzie sighed. "You want to talk about it?"

She paused for a moment. "I'm sick of this Izzie."

Izzie was taken back for a second. "Sick of what?"'

"Of being this pathetic, sad, miserable woman. The one who falls apart and cant communicate. The one who's a disappointment to everyone around her. I can't be this person anymore." Mer said as she laid back on the bed.

Izzie had heard bits and pieces of what happened with her and Derek but she didn't think it was this bad.

"Mer, I hope you seriously don't think that low of yourself."

She sat back up again. "Look Iz.. I'm not looking for sympathy but I just.." and she started to break down, just like she had last night. "I'm sorry you had to see me like that last night, I had just talked to the chief and it was just really hard.."

Oh no. She's going to run. She's leaving. Izzie started to panic but tried to keep calm as she asked, "Mer, what did you talk to the chief about?"

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

Derek Shepherd walked out of the parking lot and headed into the hospital. His shift started at 7 but he had gotten a call late last night from Richard telling him to come in early today. Apparently he had some news to talk to him about. He couldn't tell if it was good or bad news. But what news could possibly be bad?

He rode the elevator to the floor and proceeded to walk to the chief's office.

"Derek" Richard said as he looked up from his desk.

"Hello." Derek smiled. He looked at Richard who had an undecided look on his face. "Is something wrong?"

"You're going to be chief." he said simply.

--

_"Meredith." Richard said in disbelief._

_"Ha..Hi." she stuttered. _

_"I thought you were off tonight. What are you doing here?"_

_"Derek...Der.. Derek." she said softly._

_"Yes, what about Dr. Shepherd._

_"You, you gave him chief."_

_"Im sorry?" he asked._

_"You gave Dr. Shepherd chief and he didn't take it." she said louder._

_"I.. yes. I did but he turned it down."_

_"but he.. he, he wanted it. He really wanted it." she said while pacing up and down his office. "I mean he really wanted it."_

_Richard stood up and grabbed Mer on the arms softly. "Meredith sit down. You need to breathe."_

_"Right, right yeah breathing.. breathings good.." she rambled._

_They both sat down and were silent for a few moments._

_"Meredith, what's this about?"_

_"It's um, well you're still chief."_

_"Well yes, clearly." he smiled wondering what the heck was going on._

_"When.. when are you retiring?"_

_"Well I have a couple of new attendings coming this spring and I was planning on one of them but I honestly don't know-"_

_"So not Derek?"_

_"What? Oh no, I don't think Dr. Shepherd will be chief and he knows this. He gave it up. It was a once in a lifetime oppertunity and I can't just give him another shot-"_

_"You have to." Meredith said slowly._

_"What?" Richard asked confused._

_"Richard.. you have to give Derek chief. He.. he gave it up for me and he shouldn't have.. he.. he wasnt thinking straight or something because he deserves it.. he needs and wants it. You need to give it to him."_

_"Meredith, I"m not mad Derek didn't take chief. I actually thought he made the right decision.."_

_"Right decision?" she questioned._

_"Look," Richard sighed, "at first, I didn't want Derek to become chief at all. It's hard work, especially when.." Richard looked back up at her, "when he wants.. you know.. to start a family." he nodded, clueing her in._

_"Oh." Meredith said sadly. She knew he was talking about her._

_"I tried. And being chief.. it's a lot of responsibility. And I thought I could handle it and well, look at me now." he laughed, "I'm getting divorced because I didn't pay attention to my wife. And Meredith I don't want that to happen to you." he smiled._

_Meredith giggled. She didnt get it- she was giggling. "Oh," she smiled sadly, "Don't worry it won't."_

_"What?" Richard asked. "Meredith?"_

_"I um, I've got to go." as tears formed in her green eyes._

_"Your shift doesnt start till tomorrow morning."_

_"I know." she sighed. "I'm fine Richard, I'm really fine. No.. I'm good." she said unconvincingly. "Just, Derek.. Derek deserves to be chief. He deserves a second chance."_

_"I guess I'll consider it, I just figured you won't want him to be." he paused. "Meredith, Derek must have loved you a lot to give up Chief for you."_

_Tears slowly ran down her cheeks. "I know," she smiled. "He did. He did love me a lot." _

_And with that she left the room leaving Richard Webber completely confused_.

"Wow."

"Izzie say more than that." Meredith frowned.

"I just can't believe he gave that up for you.. I mean.. I can believe it because he's in love with you, but Mer, that's so sweet to do."

"Yeah he was, he was that sweet guy." she said sadly.

Meredith sat there sadly listening to Izzie talk about Derek. But he wasn't the same person anymore. The guy that said he would always show up just disappeared.

"Mer, can I say something?"

Meredith nodded slightly as Izzie took a seat next to Meredith.

"After the ferry accident, Derek, well he said he was ok," she laughed slightly, "well he used your words sometimes he said he was _fine_ but after that accident he changed."

Izzie paused as she saw tears flow down Mer's cheek.

"Meredith I'm not trying to upset you, but if you could have seen what he went through. I mean I was there. I was in the hallway with Alex Cristina and George and we looked through the door and saw Derek there. He was with Mark on the floor completely broken."

"But I came back." she said softly.

"I know but it still didnt change the fact that he was scared out of his mind for hours."

Izzie rubbed Mers back as she continued.

"At the ferry accident, I had this guy who was trapped underneath a car."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. And well I did bure holes and then the search and rescue guys came and we rode back here in an ambulance. Then they took him in. I was told by the chief I could scrub in and on my way to the OR I saw Derek. Mer, he was on top of you giving you CPR as they wheeled the stretcher to the nearest room because you were hypothermic. But when I saw Derek I had no idea it was you. And now when I think about that image, the image of him pumping your heart it scares the hell out of me because of the look that was on Dereks face."

Mer cried softly, "I broke him."

"No Mer. He loves you. He'll always love you. I just I dont think he ever got over it."

"Well we never talked about it. Maybe we should have."

"Look I know he's made a lot, I mean a lot, a whole lot of mistakes but weren't things good between you two before the accident? I mean I remember how happy you guys were and then after that everything changed."

"No." Mer said slowly. "Everything was great up until my mom woke up and said things."

"So maybe it's worth giving it another shot."

"Yeah but Izzie something else will just come up. Whether its a wife, my mom or now I guess my dad, or Rose." Mer said her name in disgust.

"Oh, the scrub nurse."

"You heard about that?"

"Yeah. I also heard they broke up."

"What?" Meredith said in disbelief.

"Yeah last night. Apparently he told her he was still was in love with you."

Mer looked up at her in shock.

"What? The gossip in this place spreads like wildfire."

Mer shook her head and looked up at Izzie smiling. "He.. he still loves me? He really loves me?" she said hopeful with tears in her eyes.

"Of course Mer and I think you still love him."

"Yeah, yeah I do." she said breaking down in Izzie's arms.

"It's okay Mer, it'll all be okay." Izzie remained in the room with Mer comforting her as needed.

--

"Excuse me?"

"Im retiring soon and I think you should reconsider my offer."

"Richard I'm shocked, I thought I wasnt getting the position because I turned it down."

"Well you weren't getting it but someone must really care about you."

"What is that suppose to mean?" Derek asked.

"Meredith came and talked to me today."

"Meredith came?" Derek smiled.

"Yes." Richard stood up. "She came and told me to give you chief."

"What?" Derek asked. "Why would she..oh.."

"What?"

"She.. I sort of mentioned it to her yesterday."

"You mean she didn't know I gave you chief and you turned it down?"

"No."

"Wow you two will give up anything for eachother." he smiled.

"Yeah I guess we will." he sadly smiled back.

"So what do you say to being chief? It's always been your dream." Richard smiled, "After all, it's why you stayed at Seattle."

Chief. He could be chief. He could say yes and he'd finally have the thing he'd been wanting all of his life. He remembered telling his father, at the age of nine, that he would someday be like him. The Chief of a hospital. And now here it was, the chance, a second chance of a lifetime. He could be chief.

Except the image of Meredith overclouded that dream. He was nothing without her. Could he really be chief and feel completely satisfied? No. He needed Meredith. He needed the one thing in his life he was never sure about, that drove him out of his mind, the girl that by chance ended up being the love of his life, just waiting for him at a bar, and was complete luck.. but she was fate. She was his fate.

So he could say yes to this job, but it wouldn't make him happy.. not the way Meredith did. So really, what was there to think about?

"No," Derek said shaking his head, "I stayed at Seattle for Meredith. When Addison came back I could have gone back to New York, but I stayed for Meredith. I'm sorry Richard, because I am grateful you gave me this oppertunity but I have a new dream now. And it's Meredith Grey." he said walking proudly out the door determined to find her and make things right. She was his dream.. and now all he could do, was hope he was hers.

--


	5. Chapter 5

I'M BACK!

Don't be confused by Meredith's dream. Picture it like what happened in Meredith's dream episode 4.05 on Halloween.

Song used: Listen Up by The Gossip.

**Disclaimer: As school and jobs start up again (for some), it feels like September is coming closer and closer. And as much as we try to avoid the month, I've decided to embrace it this year because Grey's is coming the 25th! Maybe Shonda will finally write MerDer as a couple that's normal instead of soap opera-yy. I know if I owned the show, I would. But I don't own it so all I can do is wait till September 25th.**

--

Part 5

He frantically searched door to door of the hospital to find her. He checked exam rooms, scrub rooms, locker rooms, closets and now he was barging into on call rooms. Maybe he was crazy, but now, all he could think about was that he needed to find her. She, despite all their history, had tried to satisfy his dream by giving him chief. But the one thing she neglected to realize was that chief of surgery wasn't his dream anymore. She was.

He knocked, at what had to be his 15th on call room door.

_"Hold on."_ He heard from a familiar voice as she opened the door.

"Izzie." he smiled slowly.

"Derek," she sighed with relief, "She's in here but she's sleeping." Izzie immediately said, knowing Derek was searching for her.

Izzie slowly moved out of his way for him to come into the on call room. He immediately heard small snores coming from the corner of the room.

"Derek.." Izzie said softly. He turned to her only to hear her pager go off. "Can you.."

"Yes." Derek said quickly cutting her off. "I'll stay."

"She's um.." Izzie contemplated telling Derek all that had happened. She knew Meredith still loved him and Izzie desperately wanted Derek to know that. But ultimately Izzie knew it was best for him to hear it from Meredith.

"Izzie?" Derek said trying to get her to finish her sentence.

"Thanks I've got a lot of charts to do." she smiled softly, only to then quickly rush out of the room.

Derek sighed and immediately turned his attention to the angel on the bed. Slowly, he sat down beside her. Without hesitation, he began to rub her back.

She sturred, at first, only to relax moments later.

Derek slowly laid next to her, but not getting too close. He didn't want to overstep his boundaries. Yes him and Rose were no more, but that didn't mean she would be ready for them to try again.

He closed his eyes and was about to fall asleep when he heard her snoring become replaced with a soft cry. She wasn't awake, but whatever dream she was currently having certainly wasn't pleasant.

He debated if it would be better to wake her from her nightmare only to let her be pissed at him for being in her room, or let her struggle through it so he wouldn't get himself in trouble. He could only imagine what she was dreaming about.

--

_Oh oh oh oh. Oh oh oh oh.  
I want you, you didn't believe me. I want you, you didn't believe me.  
I want you you didn't believe me. I want you and now you call.  
There's some people that you just can't trust. Some people talk way too much. __Take my advice and listen up. Don't be a fool like the rest of us.  
Oh.. on the playground. Oh on the playground.. we learn so much.  
Now listen up.  
_

Meredith slowly walked down a desserted hallway of Seattle Grace. A slighty white light beamed down on her while she strolled. As she walked, images began to flash through her mind..

* * *

_Meredith, I'm so sorry.(1)_

* * *

_Why didn't you try harder? You just left.(2)_

* * *

_I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I want to build us a house, and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm one hundred and ten, in your arms.(3)_

* * *

_You left me! You chose Addison! I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore.(4)_

* * *

_If sleeping with me is really this awful for you..  
No George.. it's not you!(5)_

* * *

_..Except I'm scared as hell to want you, but here I am wanting you anyway. And fear means I have something to lose right? And I don't want to lose you.(6)_

* * *

_You want to know why I'm so unfocused.. so ordinary? You want to know what happened to me.. You! You happened to me!(7)_

* * *

_I love you and I want you but I don't know.. I don't know if I can breathe for you anymore..(8)_

* * *

_What, you think he tried to send me a card every year and my mother has a whole desk full of unopened cards? Because, it's not often that my life turns out that way. (9)_

* * *

_One kiss?  
I wasn't eavsdropping, it wasn't like we were being secretive about it. It was just something that happened. And now you guys are back together so it's not happening anymore.(10)_

* * *

_If there's any chance he does want me, I'm not leaving Seattle.(11)_

* * *

_My father left when I was 5. Does that sound like the daddy you grew up with? There's this man, who loves me, and I can't let him. And it doesn't take a shrink to figure out why. Because our dad chose you.(12)_

* * *

_Just because you slept with my mother, that does not make you my father.(13)_

* * *

_He's gone.. I'm free. Damn it!(14)_

* * *

_It looks like I'm off the train. You should go. It's okay, go.(15)_

* * *

_I want to be better at everything and let you in. Just, now is not the time to give up on me, okay?(16)_

* * *

_So I don't want to see you.. I don't want to hear from you and I don't want you anywhere near her funeral!(17)_

* * *

_It passes. That feeling you have right now. That clarity.. It goes away and you go right back to being the coward who can't tell the person you love how you feel.(18)_

* * *

_He's going back to her. This is because I have a child isn't it? I should never have had a kid.(19)_

* * *

_You're staying with her.  
She's my wife.(20)_

* * *

_You remind me of my daughter.  
When?  
About a half hour ago.(21)_

* * *

_And the next week, he told me he was so proud of me.. A lifetimes worth of proud.(22)_

* * *

_You can't trust anybody! And no matter what I do, you're never going to trust me. I can't do it anymore.. I can't.  
Well neither can I.(23)_

* * *

As the flashbacks shadowed away, Meredith then opened the door to the morgue only to pull her corpse from a cabinet.

She stared at herself calmly as the deep blue and paled Meredith murmured, "Pick me, choose me, love me..". As it repreated, she heard someone calling her..

--

"Mer." Derek tried again while rubbing her back with one hand and holding hers with another.

"Meredith." He said now closer to her ear, even close enough to smell her. He leaned into her neck repeating her name and giving her a slight nudge.

Meredith opened her eyes wide to awake from her awful nightmare, she was pretty sure she had been having every night.

Once she awoke she had thought she'd heard her name being called, but it was now silent. Except now she could feel heat coming onto her neck. Not to mention the hand gripping hers, along with the other on her back.

It didn't take long before Meredith turned and suddenly, green met blue.

--

**Sorry another cliff! Hehe. Well guys I'm back. I had an amazing time this weekend! And then I get home to all these comments and I just want to thank you all for reading and reviewing. **

**Um, it was difficult to post that update because there's no color here! So I couldn't color code who's talking in those flashbacks, during Meredith's dream. If you have any questions about a certain quote/flashback, please ask it.. like if you don't know where it's from or if you're curious who's saying it. It's Grey's trivia! lol. ****I numbered the quotes on purpose too so you guys can just tell me what quote you're refering to by the number instead of having to write it all out.**

**For my "What Could've Been" readers, (post season 3 fic), I'll be working on an update tonight or tomorrow, which will be posted sometime soon for you all. (:**

**Glad to be back updating!**

**Maddie**


	6. Chapter 6

I'm a little disappointed because I didn't get a lot of comments last chapter.. but I got a lot of views so I figured you guys would like another update. Do you guys still like this story? Let me know..

Thanks, Maddie.

**Disclaimer: I'm confused about the Emmy Nominations. It keeps saying we were nominated for 5 but all I saw on a list was 2. Sondra and Chandra were nominated for best supporting actress in a drama series. I guess if I owned the show, I'd work a lot harder to get nominated for more awards even if the Emmy's are ridiculous. Best of luck next year? Oh, and I'm still angry Ellen Pompeo wasn't nominated.**

_--_

PART SIX

_It didn't take long before Meredith turned around and suddenly green crashed into blue._

"Derek." Meredith said, both shocked and breathless.

He continued to hold her hand waiting for her to panic. But she continued to speak softly, not dropping his hand now intertwined with hers.

"What are you doing here?" she asked suspiciously.

_What am I doing here?_ He let go of the hand holding onto hers, and brought it to her face, rubbing her cheek in a slow circle.

"Well.." he started, "Izzie was in here taking care of you when I walked in. She said you were having a hard time, and well that was evident by your wet face," he said, "So I decided to stay." he finished warmly.

She stared at him nervously. This was not how she had expected to have been woken up.

"Oh.. you heard about.. that." she whispered.

He lifted her chin to meet his eyes as they gazed at each other. "You want to talk about it?"

That was stupid. Of course she didn't want to talk. He knew this and now he'd done it. She'd hit him and say she was _fine, _only to then storm out of the room in anger.

But what Derek then saw was not anger at all. Those cheeks of hers became damp again as she began to cry.

"Mer?" he asked softly trying to pull her in his embrace, still laying on the bed.

She hesitated, only for a moment, and then broke down. "Derek." she said sadly as she reached for him and fell against his chest. "I'm so sorry. I.. I don't even.. I can't believe you had to go through that. I don't know what I'd do if I thought something happened to you. I've been so selfish, thinking about how what happened to me only affecting me but I didn't think about you. And I'm so incredibly sorry."

"Mer, what are you.." Derek said now staring blankly in front of her. "Oh."

Did he want to talk about it? They needed to. In fact, that was the one thing they had trouble with in their relationship: talking, you know besides the whole wife, alzheimer mother, abandoning father thing. He just wasn't expecting to talk so early in the morning.

Meredith continued to hold herself close to him. "You pulled me out of the water." she stated simply.

"Yes." he nodded slowly.

"I was blue and," she gulped, "dead, and you had to get me to the hospital and give me CPR and wheel me around the hospital still on top of me. I can't even imagine Derek. I'm so sorry."

With her heartfelt words he finally was able to let out the pain that had yet to escape him since the tragedy.

"I.. I just can't... can't even imagine losing you Meredith. If you had died.. If I had lost you.. I don't even.." and with that he broke into a soft sob.

_Except I'm scared as hell to want you. But here I am wanting you anyway. And fear means I have something to lose, right? And I don't want to lose you._

"Derek." Meredith spoke softly, lifting his chin to meet her gaze. "I never wanted you to go through that. I can't even imagine. But you have to know that it wasn't you. You did nothing wrong. I was happy- we were happy. My mom, its like she has this ability to snap me in half like a twig if I let her.. and I did. I was vulnerable. I told her how I felt about you and how happy I was and she told me that it wasn't important. Me.. being happy wasn't important." she laughed sadly.

"I mean, it's been 5 years and she finally gets the chance to know me.. I get a chance to present myself to her and It's not enough- I'm not enough."

"Meredith" he said while caressing her cheek. He thought for a moment how to explain how wonderful she was. "You know what your dad and I talked about?"

"When?" Meredith asked.

"The night he came to dinner at your house and he had to flip the circuit switch because Izzie blew a fuse." he laughed softly and then continued. "I went looking for him and he said how nice it was that we 'got' eachother. I told him you were worth it- that you and I were worth it. You've always been enough for me Mer." he smiled. "You're worth it."

She smiled and slowly laid her head on his chest. Derek sighed, wishing it was this easy.

A few minutes later he finally found the courage to speak. "I'm sorry about Rose."

He said it soft, in a regretful tone. Meredith knew Derek regretted not telling her about the kiss but it still hurt.

"It's not about Rose."

He stared at her with confusion. "Then what's it about?"

She sighed, knowing it was now or never.

"It's about what Rose ment.. what she made me remember."

Automatically Derek tensed. "Addison."

**--**

* * *

**Darn it. Another cliff.**

**--**

**OT: Twilight Movie now comes out 3 weeks earlier.. November 21st, not December 12th. (:**


	7. Chapter 7

**I love all of your guys comments and appreciate them all. Reviewers from last chapter..**

Writergirl2011: I don't like cliffs either and while this update's sort of short, the next update's longer. (:

amy: It'd be nice if they had that conversation on the show, wouldn't it?

futuresurgeon: I know. Meredith and Derek talking is amazing!

Torie: I'm glad you like this story. Yeah, seriously! Twilight madness 3 weeks earlier!

Lourdes: I love Mer and Der talking too!

MerDerGirl: Thanks! That makes me smile!

**This stories almost over guys.. 2 more updates to go! (Including this one.)**

**I SWEAR I'M WORKING ON WCB!**

**Maddie**

**Disclaimer: Um.. have you seen the new tv guide scans? Well, they're kind of amazing. Season 5 pictures of Meredith and Derek smiling and happy and kissing... aww I just love it. So Shonda, well done. Season 5 looks like it will be off to a good start. So this pretty much means Shonda has dibs. It's definitely not mine. I don't own Grey's Anatomy. (I have the scans so if you guys have any questions and want to know what's in it I can tell you. I have the website of where I got the pics too so just tell me!)**

--

PART SEVEN

Tension. That was the one word you could use to describe what the atmosphere was like in the room. Blissfulness that they were talking, finding comfort in eachothers arms, but one word, or really one name, turned the whole atmosphere upside down.

_Addison._

"Mer.." He started. He didn't want to talk about her. She was his past. He wanted a future; something to look forward too, not about a failed marriage his wife had ended the moment she jumped into bed with his best friend. Or really that's what Derek told himself. But he knew their marriage was never about love. It was about need.

It was about the need of eachothers company. They weren't in love. Maybe she thought she was but he knew. He was the guy that believed in finding _the one_. And he knew Addison wasn't for him.

_Ah.. you're ignoring me._

_Trying to._

It was that moment that he realized what he'd been missing. Her. This women. All of the past weeks that had been hell for him, could all be washed away by this women. His doubts, his fears; everything.

_You shouldn't ignore me._

_Why not?_

_Because I'm someone you need to know to get to love._

How ironic. He had ended up meeting the love of his life in a bar; his one night stand. She had captured him. He had drowned into her; melted by her smile and giggle. She had given him hope. She was probably the reason he was still so optimistic.

_So, if I know you, I'll love you?_

_Oh, yes._

But to reach this destination.. to reach this happy ending with the women of his dreams, he knew he had to take the journey. The ups and downs, the downs were inevitable with them, but it would be worth it.

_You really like youself, huh?_

_Just hiding my pain._

It would be worth it because she was her. She was his Meredith. No one could replace her. Not Addison, not Rose, not anyone.

_So, what's your story?_

_I don't have a story, I'm just a girl in a bar._

_I'm just a guy in a bar._

But he didn't want to settle anymore. He wanted her. He needed her. Now it was time. Time to settle the past and finally discuss that evening when his wife had walked up to them and crushed it all. That night he had broken Meredith Grey.

--

--

**I'M SORRY. I know that was short.. and when I had written it for an old board I was behind so I wrote this as sort of a filler. I promise to update the last part tomorrow. So get excited!!**


	8. Chapter 8

I have a crazy night tonight.. a dinner thing.. then a meeting.. bonfire (YEAH) then I have a job application thing I have to fill out for tomorrow.. so I wanted to update this last chapter for you all before my night begins..

Yes, this is sad.. because this is it guys. The last part. And I hope you like it. It sort of brought things full circle from the season 4 premiere.. which I think you'll understand at the end of this update. I thank you sincerely for reading and for all the wonderful comments.

Remember, my other story, "What Could've Been" (WCB) is still being written, and my new story, "Hold you in my Arms" will be out sometime this year. Hopefully I'll see you all over there.

Thanks again, Maddie.

**Disclaimer: There's not much to say I guess.. this is how I would've written the end of fourth season so therefore I could not possibly own Grey's Anatomy. (But I wish I did!)**

_--_

PART EIGHT: FINAL.

_Addison_

"Mer.."

She stared straight into his eyes. She wasn't afraid anymore. She needed him to know why she was so damaged; why she could sometimes not trust him.

"Weren't you ever going to tell me?" she said as tears pooled down her face.

"Oh Mer." he said as tears now entered his eyes.

"I mean, I know we were only dating for a few months, and maybe thats fast to fall in love.. but I did Derek. I fell in love with you.." she sighed, "I fell in love with a married man."

Unsure of what to say he nodded softly. "I was in love with you too Mer."

She shoke her head. "How can you say that? If you really loved me you wouldn't have chosen her. You wouldn't have stayed with her."

I_f love were enough.. if love were enough she'd still be here with you._

"Meredith it wasn't about love. That day, the one where we talked on the bench a few weeks later and you asked if I loved her.. it was a joke. I was living a lie. I didn't love her Mer. She knew I didn't love her."

_Do you love her?  
I.. I don't know.  
It's a good thing you're trying though. You wouldn't be you if you didn't try._

"What?" Meredith asked shocked.

"Yeah." he nodded. "At Christmas that year, after work, I met up with her at the bar and I told her the truth. That you weren't a fling, you weren't revenge.. I had fallen in love with you." he paused.

_Christmas makes you want to be with the people you love. I'm not saying this to hurt you. Or because I want to leave you.. because I don't. Meredith wasn't a fling. She wasn't revenge.. I fell in love with her. That doesn't go away because I decided to stay with you._

"We were both fooling ourselves Mer. I knew.. She knew. But we stayed together. We didn't even try. Maybe she did but I didn't. I was too upset to."

Anger struck through Meredith's veins, "You were upset? You were miserable? What about me?" she then broke down into a sob and tried to talk through it. "What about how I couldn't sleep and I had to walk around that hospital for months seeing you with her? Seeing you two together." she whimpered.

He tightened his grip on her shoulders as she continued to sob. As heartbreaking as this was this was good. They were talking.. they were making progress. This was how it should've been.

"And... and now I have this nurse person to deal with. What are you trying to do to me Derek? Prove how easy it is for you to get someone else.. to get over me!"

He paused and chose his next words very carefully.

"Sometimes people do desperate things to get someone's attention."

She gave a negative laugh and rolled her eyes, "You sound like your ex wife." she looked back at him, "What do you mean by that?"

"Honestly.." he didnt want to hurt her feelings. He knew she didn't deserve that but he needed to be honest with her if they were going to get anywhere.

She nodded, waiting for his response.

He paused of just a moment and then spoke. "Honestly, I was not sure if you wanted to be ready. Oh Mer I knew you could be, I never doubted you. I knew if you wanted to be you could be ready.. eventually."

"So.. so you're saying Rose was there to sort of get my attention.. to wake me up?" she asked in a less aggressive tone.

He shoke his head. "Mer, this is going to sound stupid. Really really-"

"Derek just tell me."

He sighed and spoke softly. "I thought she'd make you realize you wanted it with me. I thought she'd make you want me."

He sounded embarassed but that didn't stop Meredith from asking. "I don't understand."

"It's just.. when you were with Finn.. when I saw you with him.. I realized how easily I could lose you.. Finn was sort of like-"

"..like a wake up call." Meredith nodded understanding a bit more.

"Exactly. And it.. she was a mistake. I liked her. I thought she was nice. And then I thought.. for a second I thought maybe.. maybe I could find someone else.. that if I felt something maybe I could let you go because honestly I didn't.. I don't know how badly you want this."

"Derek," she sighed, turning his chin to face her, "I do want this. I really, really want this. More than anything."

"But Mer.."

"Yeah?"

"I felt nothing. There was nothing there when I kissed her. No spark.. no flame.. nothing." he said refering to Rose.

She smiled. "Really?"

He nodded.

"Derek, are you ever going to actually trust me? Were Rose and Addison just tests to see how much you love me?"

"Mer, I don't have an excuse for Rose. I was hurting and it was a mistake that didn't go any further than a kiss. But Addison..

"I was married. For 11 years. For 11 years of my life she was my partner. I was absent. I realize that. But to one night walk into your house, into your bedroom and to see your wife with another man.. it's the worst sight in the world. I wasn't entirely in love with her.. but I did lose something. You lose a sense of trust. I lost a sense of security and now I guess it's all catching back up to me.

"With you in the water.. it broke that wall.. I broke down inside of me and all those feelings of distrust.. of disloyalty.. god I don't even know how to explain it but it felt like I was loosing you. Like if I didn't get you to commit right then and there you were gone."

_Clarity._ "It changes a person." she spoke softly.

"What?"

She nodded. "Well that whole experience. It changed us."

He nodded and starred at her. "If I had lost you.. if I had lost you, my world would have been gone. It would have been changed forever."

"That's what he said." Meredith whispered refering to Denny.

"What?"

"Nothing." she said as she shoke her head and turned into his body so he could hold her.

"Do you think you can ever trust _me_ again?"

She paused for a moment and then said, "This. This right here.. this talking thing.. I think, I think it helps." she gleamed.

"It does." he nodded. "Promise we will always talk, even when I yell, even when you yell.. we will always talk."

"Ok, I promise." she nodded.

He held her tight as he then whispered, "Mer.."

"hmm?" she sighed.

"Addison.. she was something I thought I had to see through. You are something I want to see through. I've always and will always want you and only you. And I'll wait for you. I'll wait until you're ready. Even if you aren't- even if you're scared.. I'll always show up." he smiled.

They laced fingers as they laid there together in the dark on call room.

"I love you Derek." Meredith said for once in her life without regrets, without doubts, and without fear of rejection.

"Oh Mer." he nodded shaking his head. "You have no idea."

And their they lay, in that same room they had been months before they had used for break up sex, to only be there now together and together for good. Not for the sex or for the mockery but for eachothers comfort and support knowing it would be there every day for the rest of their lives.

_"Sometimes, the more things change, the more they stay the same."_

_--_

_**The End**_


End file.
